Thought Piece

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january 2023

Some quick thoughts for this month:

Reflecting upon 2022, it was a good year.

I got a job and was laid off in the same year, but I have no regrets. I was able to meet wonderful individuals and experience another company’s culture.

I made big strides in my relationship. We were able to tell our parents about our existence to each other, which to others may be casual, but to us, it’s something we weren’t able to do for so long.

I was able to spend time with my friends and loved ones. This year with all the vaccinations, we slowly began socializing again, and wow. It felt so good to be surround in person with the people you love.

In 2023, I am gripping life by the throat and unabashedly chasing dreams and holding everyone I love even closer and fiercely moving forward. 

I’ll be another year older soon, and I think both 7 year old and 17 year old grace are be proud of who I am.

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summertime solace

(i’m not actually sad in any way at all)

i just didn’t understand in my earlier years, how adults could just sit outside and do…. nothing. i would get restless, i’d need to something while being outside. 

this year it’s definitely changed. i actively seek out the sun and to simply lounge and absorb the rays (with SPF of course).

something about the weather being warmer… it brings me peace to simply exist. it is enough to simply be.

am i just more tired now? do i appreciate the peace and normality more? i hope it is just the latter. either way, i’ll be going back to simply enjoying the atmosphere with some good music. i almost feel like i’m in a movie, maybe that’s part of the charm. i love the summer. the only way this could be better is to sit in silence in this amazing weather with companions. it feels good to be alive right now. simply waiting for the sun to set and enjoying the show. summer is golden and this is why.

something to remember when winter comes back inevitably. 

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one of the best joys in life

It’s been a personally sad and heavy month, so I want to talk about something on the completely different. 

Honestly this year, when I was feeling depressed, I thought a list of items that make me really happy would be really handy right about then. So since then, I’ve made it more of a goal to write down moments when I am feeling positive in some aspect.

You know what one of the greatest and specific joys in life are? Being an avid fan of a musical group.

Specifically being a fangirl. 

The movie Turning Red might show it the best. I will say that being an adult fangirl, previously a negative connotation due to patriarchal snobs, hits peak enjoyment. I have the giddy youthfulness enjoying the music and visuals, as well as the adult rationale to not go overboard in other areas. It’s really nice to not have the strange daydreams, but you never grow out of the chaotic thrill of seeing their posts, photos, and interactions. Merchandise and concert tickets are something that I can buy with my own money (I was about to label it as affordable, but I can’t say that is entirely true…), and I could still feel the excitement singing along to the live performance. It’s addicting in this world full of media, and the more popular they are, the more content there is as well. At my age, I am hoping that they also have a balance within their lives, catering to fans but also taking care of themselves first.

It’s almost nostalgic, being able to feel this way at least a decade later. Pure and uncomplicated joy. I’m glad that the world realized that it was judging woman (again) by looking down on fangirls, and now is much more inclusive to everyone. Music is already one of the best art forms, so to be able to listen and watch it while supporting good artists… pinnacle of enjoyment. It doesn’t have to take much, so that serotonin is never too far from access. 

Hope you get to experience this too internet friend.

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05.02.2022

While I am by no means talented at writing, I find it a good mechanism to sift through my thoughts and emotions. 

I was informed just half an hour ago about the leak that the Supreme Court’s draft opinion is to overturn Roe v. Wade.

I have never been so stunned and frightened at government news.

It’s been a rough few years being an Asian American woman for the past two years. There’s an entire movement to stop hate against your existence, you’re fighting with your fellow POC for equity and justice, and just doing your best to take care of your mental, physical, and emotion wellbeing.

This might be the first time my rights are directly affected. 

I know I live in the Northeast, in states that care, but the thought that my human rights can be decided by just 5 individuals.. it is horrifying and dystopian. 

There is a quote that keeps repeating itself in my head: “I can’t believe this country hates women more than it loves guns.”  – Diane Nguyen in Bojack Horseman Season 4 Episode 5. The topic surrounds women and gun control, however the first part is ringing loudly to me. I feel hated.

This tweet also summarizes how I feel. “This is an earthquake — for what it portends for the future not only of Roe, but of *all* implied fundamental rights” – @steve_vladeck

I know that conservatives are looking to undo many of the steps that have been made in the past decade. I just felt like talk was talk. Now that one human right is being revoked, anything could be next.

This is violence. 

I am furious. I am not alone.
I’m angry and hopeful that we will change the outcome.

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bittersweet adult realizations

i’m definitely not the first person to think of this or feel this way, but it’s surprising how much this thought has been gnawing inside me.

i am so grateful to keep meeting wonderful people that i become friends with and get to spend time with. whether that’s from work or spending time with friends who introduce me to their friends, it’s so nice and precious to be able to connect with others.

however, it feels like breaking off pieces of my heart and leaving them with others. the more i make connections in different areas, the more long distance relationships these create. 

i will never be in a place surrounded by all my loved ones ever again.

this sounds much more dramatic than it really is, all i mean is that i will always be missing someone.

it’s unlikely that i will ever live at home again. my friends on the west coast are unlikely to move to the east coast, and if i move to the west coast, then i leave my east coast friends. who knows where my significant other will end up going until settling down. 

what’s the big deal about missing someone too? it feels like the precursor to complete grief. these are relationships that i treasure, i’d love to have them near me always.

because i’m me, i need some sort of resolution to this feeling, or lesson. this is telling me to treasure the time i have with those physically close to me, and make the most of it. grab the moment and make those plans. see if you can make plans and experiences with the others that you love as well and celebrate these relationships.

the final piece is gratitude, i am feeling so grateful for the time already spent and the individuals for sharing themselves and time with me.

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sugar, spice, and everything ICE

every winter olympics I am blown away by figure skating.

I think ice skating is the closest thing that humans will have to flying.

I know there’s sky diving and trapeze acrobatics. Those are very realistic. There’s just something about dancing on ice that feels so ethereal and what I imagine flying to feel like.

Realistic flying is very physics-oriented and focused on breaking away from gravity.

Ice skating is low to the ground, yes. But what I’m trying to convey is how the two thin blades connecting you to the ground give you the feeling of traveling through the air without the interference of gravity’s pull. You only worry about keeping yourself upright and moving around, maybe a similar concern about staying upright at first with the slight fear of falling in the beginning. But the fear of falling is only as tall as you are.

I always imagined that flying would be almost like swimming but without the physics of water density. This is why ice skating is the more upright version of my imagined flying. Seeing animated movies where people danve in the air, looks nearly identical to how people dance on ice. (I’m sure the animators were inspired by figure-skating.) To be moving while not moving a muscle, that is how I imagine fantasy flying to be like.

The grace, the smooth movements, the wind flowing past… Watching figure skating is absolutely captivating. It is not only a sport with so much strength, but also entertainment. It is beautiful.

Having skated in public rinks once every couple of years, I understand the strength and flexibility required to even stay upright on the ice. To watch figure skating is such a treat with the dancing, and so much awe knowing how much training and muscle it takes to perform like that.

When I get on ice again with skates, I am reminded of how difficult it is to stay stable without consistent practice. Jumping, skating backwards, and spinning are beyond my current abilities (and I am unsure if I could ever achieve those in my age even with training).

Ultimately, this has been an ode to the sport and art of figure skating, and my confession to the joy that this brings to me in both the spectating and participating. Catch me wobbling around trying to get my ice legs back at my local public rink before the cold fades away!

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Dorothy Clarke-Rozier

Unfortunately the violence against women continues.

I was heartbroken again yesterday to learn that 50-year-old Dorothy Clarke-Rozier was stabbed without provocation.

Today, I turned to google to get more details, but when typing “woman from brooklyn stabbed” into the search bar, I was even more devastated to see multiple reports of different women assaulted, all from a day ago. 

It is so difficult for me to process innocent loss of life. 

People both in government and not, think that the solution is more police. Others including myself, vehemently disagree. In the workforce, the best way to solve a problem is to look at the root of the cause and address it. Putting a bandage to quickly fix the gashing wound does nothing to stop the continued slashing and bleeding.

The best crime prevention is to address what people need. Resources, shelter, stability. These past two years have been the most turbulent in change and are now resulting in rising costs of housing, groceries, and anything you can think of. Healthcare has been in critical need for so long, and only recently has there been a push for mental well-being. 

In many of the recent cases, mental health is in shaky condition and physical needs are not being met. People are suffering. This place in time makes it difficult for anyone to exist, no matter how well you are doing. It’s never ok to hurt others. There needs to be more accessible help to exist. I’m doing my best and trying to contribute where I can. It’s a balancing act, trying to maintain myself and my life, while also trying to do whatever else I can to help others. 

I once heard someone’s opinion where he said that he doesn’t mind paying taxes, he would just like the government to be more transparent with what they do with the money. I’m not sure what the solution is here on a larger scale, but I know there are a bunch of brilliant minds out there, so I’ll continue to search.

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Christina Yuna Lee & Michelle Go

thoughts and feelings as i navigate through this tragic loss of life.

ever since Michelle Go was murdered, i have started to feel more unsafe than usual in a city by myself.

i saw myself in her, an asian american woman passionate about life and caring for those around her. my heart broke reading about how she volunteered and traveled in her spare time.

now a repeat of an incident, but even worse. something more pre-meditated? Christina Lee was cruelly robbed of her life. how both women have suffered before passing. my heart aches for them, their families, their friends.

there is absolutely something to be said about needing more mental health resources, health, housing, and other necessities to live, but that is not something for today.

i think it hurts double for me because 1. i see such striking similarities in the way both michelle and christina lived to how i do 2. as a woman, we try to protect ourselves already so much, but does it really matter if society doesn’t care about us? the next name in headlines could be me or my friends.

i stand with the other communities pushing for a better world to live in, but this one, to me, is a different hurt, something more personal. i understand this is how the other communities feel too when another tragedy occurs. this is why we speak and ask for change.

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moving from scarcity mentality

“My first thought being how do I get to do that, and my second, if there’s already one Asian girl doing this, then there’s no longer space for me.” – Michelle Zauner, Crying in H mart 

This quote has been in the back of my mind for the past two weeks because it’s been in my brain ever since I recognized diversity and competition as a child.

Creatively, this has affected me greatly in the past. I get inspired and start brainstorming only to stop once I think about the target market/audience and the saturation already there. 

There were two misconceptions I had around this.

  1. Hobbies & creative outlets do NOT need to be lucrative to be worth pursuing. If this is the thought that is stopping me, it’s a terrible reason. I do see the flip side, how hobbies/activities cost materials, money, or time, and sometimes it is not affordable. Unfortunately that is reality, but personally for my hobbies, I know there are basic items that I can use without needing to invest in pricey options. Sometimes the smaller investments are worth it as well. Even then with the poorest tools, the world can be forgiving in certain circumstances.
  2. There can only be ONE successful individual at x. That type of thinking did not stop Jeff Bezos when he saw Barnes & Noble and Bill Gates. The cis straight white man is everywhere, in media, in high ranking positions, and he did not hesitate in the market either. He is no role model to me, this is just a reminder to claim the audacity. Even within diverse communities, I myself follow multiple creative individuals who sometimes are similar, and other times are exceedingly different. This reverse psychology has not dawned on me until recently. Funny how the mind works against us.

Contrary to what media would like you to think, there is definitely space for everyone, and at the same time, I don’t have to feel pressured to monetize everything I do.
This balance lifts the pressure off either end, and just allows me to pursue the hobbies I enjoy. There is a slight third element of the urge to be productive at every waking moment, but that is a different obstacle I have already come to terms with.

I will no longer let this stop me from putting myself out there.

© Grace Zhao 2025
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